


Where do your roots start? (And where do your roots end?)

by Krit



Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breathplay, Caning, Daddy Kink, Dehumanization, Derogatory Language, Dirty Talk, Dissociation, Endearments, Extremely Dubious Consent, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hair-pulling, Light Bondage, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Rough Sex, Sexual Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unsafe Sex, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:13:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22121617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/pseuds/Krit
Summary: A study of language and intent in three actsCh1 : A story of abuseCh2 : Consensual but unhealthy coping mechanismsCh3 : Healing through love(Jace is about 17-19 in the first 2 segments, it's after he starts sleeping with Izzy.)(I separated the three scenes into chapters so you can easily skip around.)
Relationships: Jace Wayland/Original Male Character(s), Malachi Dieudonné/Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522517
Comments: 7
Kudos: 36
Collections: DL;DR: Shadowhunters Fic





	1. Even In These Chains, You Won't Break Me

_There's a look in your eyes,_

_I know just what that means_

_I can be your everything_

_I can be your whore_

_I am the dirt you created_

_I am your sinner_

_I am your whore_

_But let me tell you something baby_

_You love me for everything you hate me for_

~*~

The door shut and Jace dropped to his knees. Shoulders squared, arms folded behind his back, staring straight ahead. He could hear Malachi shuffling about behind him. He knew the man had already prepared everything he would need for the weekend. He just liked to make Jace wait. Making noise behind him, daring him to turn his head.

Jace stared straight ahead. Eyes locked on the brass knobs of the hutch on the other side of the livingroom. He took a slow breath, and waited.

Soon enough, he felt a hand on the back of his head, gripping his hair.

“Who the fuck told you that you could cut your hair?” Malachi growled, voice quiet and dangerous. “I told you to keep it long.”

“It still is.” Jace responded weakly. “It’s just an under buzz. It was distracting me during missions. This is more practical. Win-win.” Jace’s head was jerked back, and he stared up at Malachi’s piercing eyes. “You don’t like it?” He asked quietly. “Everyone says it suits me.”

Malachi stares at him a moment before moving Jace’s head from side to side. “I suppose it’s not terrible. Can still get a decent grip. And if it’s more practical....” He released Jace by shoving his head aside. Jace planted his knees and righted himself before he could fall over. He was on thin enough ice, it wouldn’t do to rack up punishments. “You still should’ve asked permission first. Decisions like that are not yours to make. You belong to _me_. Your body belongs to _me_. What happens to it is up to _me_. Do you understand?”

Jace nodded. “Yes sir. I’m sorry.”

“Not yet, you’re not.” Malachi muttered, sighing heavily. “Stupid fucking whore, why do I bother?” He said, almost to himself as he poured a glass of bourbon. “I try, I do. Starkweather insisted you came pre trained, and I have to say, there wasn’t much to show for it. I’m sure your father had his work cut out for him.”

Jace stared at the brass knobs and focused on his breathing.

“You’re pretty enough. A capable fighter, I’ll give you that. Just so fucking stupid.”

Jace hadn’t noticed that Malachi was next to him until he felt his boot jam against his side, sending him toppling over. Jace barely had time to move his arms to keep from smashing his face into the floor. Which had happened often enough.

“Pathetic.” Malachi scoffed. He finished his drink and crouched down in front of Jace, who hadn’t dared get up. “What exactly are you good for, Jonathan?” He asked, false curiosity in his voice. Like he genuinely wanted to know. Like he wasn’t prompting him for a specific answer.

“Nothing, sir.” Jace said quietly, eyes on the floor.

“That’s right, baby.” Malachi grabbed Jace’s chin and forced him to look at him. “You’re nothing but a toy. You fight and kill when you’re told. You open your mouth and spread your legs when you’re told. You don’t have _opinions_. You don’t have _wants_. The only desire you need in that empty little head of yours is to be as obedient and useful as possible. Do you understand, little doll?”

“Yes sir.” Jace’s voice grew steady and hollow. It had been a while since he’d earned this lecture.

“Good boy. My little toy soldier. My pretty little fuck doll.” He brushed his thumb over Jace’s lips. “Stand up. Strip down. Bend over the arm of the couch.” Malachi stood and Jace trembled slightly as he obeyed.

Malachi always kept his apartment so cold. Or maybe just when Jace was there. It was the entire top floor of the building. Private elevator. Completely soundproof. Jace braced his elbows on the seat of the couch and took a steadying breath, looking down at the soft black leather. He knew the minute he went into the barber shop, that there would be consequences. He’d accepted that. He could take it.

“I assume the rules haven’t fallen out of that empty head?”

“No sir.”

“Good. What do you say?”

“Please punish me, sir.”

“Why?”

“I-“ Jace thought for a moment. “I’m a stupid whore, and I need to be reminded of my place.”

“That’s right.” The first strike of the cane against his ass sent him jolting slightly forward. “Useless bitch. Stay still!”

Jace planted his feet and braced himself. “Thank you, sir. Please hit me again.” His mind was already starting to drift. His own voice sounding more like an echo. The pain of each strike almost distant. He stared at his fingers pressed into the leather of the couch. They grew sharper in focus as everything else faded. He could hear himself saying the lines that were expected of him. He didn’t notice when Malachi swapped the cane for a thinner one with a harsher bite until it cracked across the crease where his thighs met his ass. He cried out as the wind was knocked out of him. He froze for a moment, mouth open, eyes squeezed shut. Another broken sound escaped him as the room spun.

“Fucking pathetic. Pull yourself together.”

Jace gasped for breath and tried to reorient himself. “Thank- thank you, sir. I- please- please.....” His breath came out in a sob and he curled his hands into fists. “ _Please_.”

“Pathetic. Fucking worthless bitch. Can’t even take a proper beating. Weak. No use for a toy you can’t play with. Are you useless, Jonathan?” He hit him again in the same spot. Jace let out a shout before clamping his mouth shut, biting down on his cheek. “I asked you a question, whore.” He hit him again. Jace dropped his head onto the couch, a muffled sound coming from his throat. He couldn’t catch his breath. Couldn’t speak. “But I guess that’s my answer, isn’t it?” Again. If he would just stop. Or even just hit a different spot. Jace was sobbing. He didn’t have the strength to stop. Malachi was right.

“Yes!” He cried. “I’m weak. I’m pathetic. Useless. I’m sorry!”

“Get up.”

Jace took a few deep breaths, his whole body shaking as he pushed himself up onto his feet. He was unbalanced and cold. Dizzy, lightheaded. He watched Malachi pour himself another drink and sit on the couch. He pulled out his cock and and spread a bit of lube over it. Just enough to keep himself comfortable.

“Come here and make yourself useful.”

Jace nodded. He could do this. He steadied his breathing and his feet, and walked around the couch to climb onto Malachi’s lap. His legs and ass were burning. He knew the skin was broken. But he could take it. He had just been caught off guard. Let him mind wander too much. He’d taken far worse than this. He was stronger than this. As he started to sink down, he felt Malachi’s free hand slap down sharply on the side of his thigh.

“Hurry up, slut.” He huffed, taking a sip of his drink. “Remind me why I keep you.”

Jace took a breath and clutched the back of the couch for leverage as he rolled his hips just the way he knew Malachi liked it. Quick and smooth. The smell of bourbon and the taste of his own tears stood out as everything faded away. He knew this. He could do this. Had been doing this for ten years. Ever since... he shook his head a little. Thinking about his father was always painful. He felt Malachi slap him again, further up, further in, hitting the edges of the bruises and welts he’d placed there. A choked grunt caught in Jace’s throat and his movements shuddered.

“Useless.” Malachi growled angrily and hit him again, hard and stinging on his ass. Jace screamed. Malachi sighed and finished his drink. “Are you all used up? Is that the problem? Just a worn out broken toy? Can’t take a beating anymore. Can’t ride my cock properly.” He grabbed up under Jace’s jaw and tilted his head. “At least you’re pretty. And easy. A filthy whore like you is good to have around. Don’t take much pushing, do you? Put you on your knees and you’re just begging for my cock.” He grabbed Jace’s hip with the other hand and thrust up hard into him. Jace grunted in pain and nodded as best he could.

“You know I love it.” He whimpered. “Do anything for you.” He rolled his hips, breathing through it, finding his focus again. He put his hands on Malachi’s shoulders and licked his lips. “I’ll do better. I promise. You know how good I can be.”

Malachi’s hand slid down to wrap around his throat. “You haven’t exactly reminded me today.” He lifted his hips up as he pulled Jace down, grinding his open zipper into Jace’s injured ass. Jace let out a small gasp and shook his head.

“Haven’t slept.” He offered. “We were tracking that demon through the upper east side for almost a week. I’m a little off my game. I’m just tired. I swea-.” The end of his sentence broke off as Malachi squeezed his hand tight.

“Pathetic.” He sneered. “Incompetent soldier, useless whore.” He shook his head and pushed Jace off of him and onto the floor. Jace gasped for air as Malachi grabbed the back of his neck and shoved him face down, crouching behind him and slamming back in. Jace’s fingers clawed at the shag carpet. It was soft under his cheek. He closed his eyes and measured his breathing.

Eventually, Malachi was done. Jace hear him get up and fix his clothes before pouring another drink. When he sat back down on the couch, he patted his leg twice, and Jace couldn’t stop the smile growing in his face. He had been sure he was still in trouble. He scrambled onto the couch as quickly as he could, only wincing slightly. Curling up on the soft leather, he rested his head on Malachi’s leg, pressing his face to his hip, his fingers curling in the hem of his shirt.

“Thank you, sir.” He whispered quietly.

“I spoil you.” Malachi chuckled, running his fingers through Jace’s hair, scratching at the buzzed nape of his neck. “The hairstyle _does_ suit you.”

Jace beamed.

~*~

_You want to satisfy_

  
_Your high command_

  
_You want to touch my face_

  
_With your dirty hands_

_So you blame me for_

_You blame me for the madness you create_

_And I wage my war, 'cause either way you burn me at the stake_

_You can crucify_

_You can nail me to your cross (Light me up, light me up)_

_You can find me guilty for everything you've lost (Light me up, light me up)_

_Go ahead blame me for your sins_

_Go ahead and sacrifice me_

_Make me your_ _martyr_

_I'll be your Joan of, I'll be your Joan of Arc_


	2. Don't You Wanna Turn The Beauty Into The Beast

_Come a little bit closer, before we begin_

_Lemme tell you how I want it_

_And exactly what I need_

_I'm here for one drug_

_I'm only here for one thing_

_So come on and tell me_

_Can you fly like you're free_

_Cause I need to feel_

_Yeah, I need to say_

_I must confess_

_I'm addicted to this_

_Shove your kiss straight through my chest_

_I can't deny, I'd die without this_

_Make me feel like a god_

_Music, love and sex_

_(Adrenalize me)_

~*~

The pounding bass thrumming through the crackling speakers was so intense, Jace couldn’t even hear what the song playing was supposed to be. It didn’t really matter. Wasn’t the point. Jace loved music. But he wasn’t here to dance.

Men in leather, mesh, and metal surrounded him. Pressing against him. Sweat slick skin and the heavy scent of alcohol. Jace scanned the crowd like the hunter he was. He knew what he was looking for. Knew how to spot it.

Got one.

“Hello daddy.” He purred, sliding his hand up the leather vest of the man in front of him. He was older than Hodge. Older than his father would be now. But younger than Malachi. He was bald and he had a beard. He grabbed Jace’s wrist, but didn’t remove his hand from his chest.

“Brazen little thing aren’t you?” He snarled.

“I know what I want.” Jace said firmly, stepping closer into the man’s personal space, looking up at him. He was tall they were always tall. Jace knew he was a bit short for his age. It was an advantage on nights like this. “What do you want?”

The man grabbed Jace’s throat and kissed him roughly. All tongue and teeth. Jace moaned under the assault, opening his mouth and grabbing at the man’s shoulder with his other hand.

“Get on your fucking knees, boy.” The man growled. Jace dropped to the floor. He’d been to this club before. He knew this was nothing out of the ordinary. He stared up at the man, going for coquettish as his hands found the man’s belt.

“Please?” He whined, biting his lip. “I’ll be so good for you, daddy.”

“Yeah?” The man took a fistful of his hair and jerked his head back. “You want me to fuck your mouth?”

Jace nodded, opening the man’s belt, while keeping eye contact. “Please, daddy. Need it so bad.” He started on the man’s fly.

“Desperate little slut.” He laughed, pulling out his cock, stroking it as he rubbed the head against Jace’s cheek. “Do you see this, boys?” He called out. “Pretty little bitch is fucking gagging for it. I think if I don’t let him suck my cock, he might cry!”

Jace could hear laughter around him and his face grew hot. His heart pounded and he could feel his body settling. The wild thing inside him going quiet as the man pushed his cock into his mouth. Jace moaned, breathing when he could, and gave himself over. His mind went blank. He could feel that bass resonate from the floor, through his knees. The laughter and jeers from the men surrounding them blurred together in the corners of his attention.

The man pulled his hair with one hand and squeezed the side of his neck with the other. Pulling and pushing him where he wanted him. All Jace had to do was relax and let himself be used.

“Look so good with a cock in your mouth. Such a greedy little slut. Wanna fucking ruin you.” He laughed as Jace whined around him. “Is that what you want, baby? You want me and my boys to take you apart?” Jace moaned and the man buried his cock in his throat, holding him there, Jace’s nose pressed to the man’s belly. Jace felt himself grow lightheaded and swallowed around him. The man moaned above him and came hard, and Jace felt something powerful rush through him. The man pulled him off and jerked his head back. Jace stared up at him with unfocused eyes.

“Such a good bitch. You need to come around here more often. We know just how to take care of dirty little boys like you.”

“You gonna take care of me, daddy?” Jace rasped.

“Yeah, baby. Don’t you worry.”

Well. What Malachi didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

~*~

_I cry out_

_For glory_

_I wanna drown in your wrath and fury_

_I feel your need_

_I taste your pain_

_Show me what you got_

_Bring on the hurricane_

_Let it rain, let it rain_

_Oh won't you let it rain_

_Let the storm rage_

_Let the water run higher_

_Let it rain, let it rain_

_Oh won't you let it rain_

_Baptized in a river of fire_

_Let the storm rage_

_Let the water run higher_

_Baptize me in a river of fire_

~*~


	3. From The Ashes, I Will Rise Again

_There's a fire_

_In the water_

_You're drifting into me_

_Falling free_

_Burning eternally_

_Confessing all_

_I keep thee_

_So Come away_

_So Come away with me_

_So Come away_

_In the dawning of my night_

_I am free_

_Lying by your side_

_And as the stars_

_Begin to call_

_I awake_

_As you're diving_

_Down for me_

~*~

Simon’s skin was cool between Jace’s thighs as he hooked a leg up around his waist. He couldn’t quite get the other one up with the ankle tied to the footboard. The opposite wrist was tied to the headboard, and Jace used his free hand to play with Simon’s hair. His vampire was lavishing wet kisses to his shoulders and collarbones as he drove his cock so slow and steady into him, pulling back even slower on each stroke. It wasn’t teasing or boring, it was insistent. Jace was sweating, his eyes rolled back. Each drag of skin, slick friction, lighting pleasure inside of him.

“So beautiful.” Simon moaned. “So responsive. Every touch, every movement, has you shuddering and moaning. And you still can’t get enough.” He licked over Jace’s pulse point and bit down with blunt human teeth, his name falling from Jace’s lips. “That’s it, sunshine. Let me hear you. Let me know how good you feel.” He stroked his thumb over Jace’s throat, feeling it twitch as Jace’s breath caught. “Look at you. Needy and desperate.” He pressed sweet kisses under his jaw, nuzzling the side of his head as Jace clung to him as best he could.

Simon’s skin was cool, but his own was burning. The room was hot, the air heavy. The sound of their bodies moving together, the feel of the soft sheets under him. Jace felt his mind drift and his body float. Everything coiled tight and expectant. The slow drag of Simon’s cock inside of him, the trail of his fingers over Jace’s skin, his mouth on him, his voice in his ear. Jace rolled his hips, begging for more with his body and the primal sounds pouring out of him.

“Such a filthy whore.” He moaned with loving reverence. “How did I get so lucky?” He kissed Jace’s lips, slow and passionate. “Gonna take such good care of you.” He murmured against his mouth. “Make love to you whenever you want. Whenever you need.” He gripped Jace’s leg and hitched it up from his waist to over his shoulder. Pressing a kiss to the calf, he drove his cock in harder, but still so slow, grinding against Jace’s prostate. He kissed him again, nipping lightly at his lips. Jace trembled with need, fingers scrambling over Simon’s back. The world spun and ceased to exist. All there was, all there needed to be, was the man touching him. This moment.

“Come for me, sunshine.” He begged, staring into Jace’s eyes. Overwhelmed and overcome, Jace clung to him, crying out as he came. Simon held him, pressing kisses to his skin. “Good boy.” He moaned, thrusting in deep and coming hard. He smiled and bumped Jace’s nose with his own. “My slutty angel.”

Jace grinned sleepily and let out a huff, using his free limbs to pull Simon down on top of him.

“Sleep.” He yawned.

“You don’t want me to untie you first?”

“Not yet.” The bonds were loose enough that it wasn’t a risk to leave them while they napped. Simon settled on top of him more comfortably and pressed another kiss under his jaw.

“Love you, sunshine.” He murmured.

“Love you.” Jace whispered. Sated, safe, and with a quieted mind, Jace drifted off to sleep.

~*~

_I will fall and rise above_

_And in your hate I find love_

_'Cause I'm a survivor_

_Yeah, I am a fighter_

_I will not hide my face_

_I will not fall from grace_

_I'll walk into the fire, baby._

_All my life_

_I was afraid to die_

_But now I come alive inside these flames._

**Author's Note:**

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